THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
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Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.