Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.

“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”

-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

Kitchen Rule No 1.

Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

Shower sex be like:

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

I love this❤️😁👍