them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
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genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
This poor dog
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.