them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
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I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
If you breakdance you buy dance.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
