Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
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I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable