Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
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“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.