Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
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sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
going to the ER y’all need anything
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.