Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
You Might Also Like
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.