Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
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Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Voting for coroner
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.