Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something

Friend: *sets up chess board*

Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

Date: I’m looking for security

Me: I double knot my shoelaces

Date: but also excitement

Me: together

Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?

Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.

“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing

Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.