Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
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Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
me doing my best
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
just gave your address to some spiders
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.