Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
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Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.