Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997

you could not pay me to delete this app

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…