Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
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it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.