Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
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ACED my prostate exam!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.