Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

every time I roll over in the middle of the night

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.

customer service: do you have the boomerang?

man: no, that’s the whole problem

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

who decided to call it a “paternity test” instead of a “pop quiz?”