Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

So sorry

If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in

Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…

Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*

Therapist: that’s not how this works

seems like a niche market

Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.