THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
The struggle is real.
when mom throws a party…
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?