THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
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disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
ok this is my dumbest yet
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.