Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?

I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do

[2 hrs later]

Neighbor: Is your wife home?

Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

🤣🤣🤣

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.