Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

put ‘er there pardner!

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.

wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.

Her: Not at all!

Me: Great!

*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?

Me *nervous*: children

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.