Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!