Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
You Might Also Like
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
What a year we’ve had this week.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.