Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time

Me: what do you mean, human friend

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Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say


Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”



Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.

Wife: The same four kids?

Me: I’ll be right back.


Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)


Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”


-You think I’d make a bad Private Eye ’cause I can’t read body language? I will prove you wrong!
-Sir, you’re talking to the murder victim


By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.