So is the Pope like… single now?
Them: why do you add unnecessary adjectives all the time
Me: what do you mean, human friend
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Them: who ya gonna call
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.
“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
-You think I’d make a bad Private Eye ’cause I can’t read body language? I will prove you wrong!
-Sir, you’re talking to the murder victim
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.