Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Spring of Deception

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600