them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
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ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
This raises questions
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
seriously you guys
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
so much to do
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close