them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
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CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat