My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
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Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
This squirrel eats better than I do
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
yes yes a thousand times yes!
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge