Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Them: Would you be interested in coaching soccer?
Me: No, that sounds outside.
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Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
I put the “native” in descriminative…
Wait, that’s not good.