Them: Would you be interested in coaching soccer?

Me: No, that sounds outside.

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Religious places never have free WiFi because no religion wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.


Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*


Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.


“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing


In my most recent study, Ive found that saying “I’ll have a chicken pot pie, extra pot” to KFC employees gets a laugh 4 out of 10 times.


HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.


Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.


Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.


When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.


I put the “native” in descriminative…

Wait, that’s not good.