Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
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Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
She: I like Cats
He:
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call