Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.