Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

[at Starbucks]

Barista: Coffee?

Me: Yes, a medium please

Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats

This is my brand.

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

💁🏻‍♂️

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”