Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

Just this preview of the story is enough

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

File under excellent bookstore names.

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work

I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick

The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.