Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
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And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.