Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
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No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Proofread twice, hang posters once
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting