Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

“Your former crush likes this thing”

-Facebook

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

friend: i would kill for a burrito right now

me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”

Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”