THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
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You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]