THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
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There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house