Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.

It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.

I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir

son: can I borrow your tie for my interview

dad: my what

son: I need a tie

dad: one more time

son: *sighs* your business necklace

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*

Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.

I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.

Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.