Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
making my dog give me my pills
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…