Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
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[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
worst…sale…ever
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These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.