Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.

!!!!!!!!!!!

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

Just a friendly reminder folks.

Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.

[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.