THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
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Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Succinctly put.
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will