Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

ugh not again

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

Human: *jumps*

Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur

Human: *pole vaults*

Kangaroo: wait WTF?

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts

Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT

[person having normal conversation with me]

Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”

–spirited debate

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*