THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
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Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I try
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.