Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

Ummm 😳

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Important

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details