THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
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Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The internet is magic sometimes.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.