THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
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Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I’m sorry…what?
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters