Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
You Might Also Like
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
do horses think humans are hats
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.