Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.

*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history

Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.