Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
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ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
Worst bar ever.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.