Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me: