Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
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How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Are you ok, human???
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
3yo (in his car seat): Mommy, I want you to cross you legs like a pretzel.
Me (driving): Can’t do that, honey.
3: Well, that’s just the way things are today.
Me: No, honey, I’m driving.
3: 🙄 MOMMY. I am doing it in the car. It is EASY!This is every influencer giving “advice.”