Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
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Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow