Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..

Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.

Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.

“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

Every day Stephen King and I both:

1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then

put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.