Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.

So, teardrop tattoo it is.

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

He-man has a Masters degree

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”