Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
You Might Also Like
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”