Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

just leaving a message to let you know I got your text

– voicemails from my dad

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately

doctor: can you give me an example

me: of what

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Everything was great until I opened my mouth.

– An autobiography

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.