Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
You Might Also Like
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I hate when that happens.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.