Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
You Might Also Like
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
You don’t even know
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
🤣
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant