Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”

Me: *fires him for harassment*

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

I will never stop laughing at this

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.

11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.

Me: That just means they’ll come inside.

11: No furnace this year.

Caesar: Et tu, Brute?

Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.

However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.