Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
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Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
shut up and take my money
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Young people are too young nowadays. Back in the good old days, young people were my age.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
SMS passcode is 1477178 in case anyone needed it. They said to not share it but I’m trying to live in an abundance mindset
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”