Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
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Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
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