Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Cake!!
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.