Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?