Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.