Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

what does he know…

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

when you order from DoorDastardly

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?