Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
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[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Put this video in the Louvre
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.