Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.