them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
You Might Also Like
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”