Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
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*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
this will hang in the louvre one day
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.