Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone

TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days

Howl 😭

Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.

Wife: Don’t you mean for?

Me: Sure. That too.

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

THE AUDACITY. 😤

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

Dawn’s coming over.

“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”

*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined

S/o to @funTweeters .