Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
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In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*