Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
You Might Also Like
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.