Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
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*weighs self after shaving
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.
🤪😜
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Me: *falling asleep*
My brain: What if you were plummeting to your death right now?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth