Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
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How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
